Tanya

loves4saken1 @ 2005-08-22T00:15:00

2005-08-22T04:18:52Z

Well, its after midnight and I need to be getting to sleep because I have to take Jozalyn in to get fixed and declawed tomorrow.

Summer is drawing to a close and so far the summer has been quite alright. I got to see a lot of people that I really wanted to see. Especially my Michelle and Tommy.

Tommy, mine and Nolis cousin is home from Iraq. (Really Nolis cousin hes just my friend too.) He goes back on tuesday. Pray for three more months of safety.

Noel and my 3 year anniversary is next month and I know somewhat of what im getting him.

I dont know whats going on for school right now. I am filing for independancy again and if I dont get approved I am only taking one class at macomb and thats it cause I cant afford it anymore.

If I dont get approved as independent, than I am making Noli court marry me so we can pay for my school and we'll have a ceremony later.

I love and miss you guys dearly!!

Holy Shit

2005-08-12T01:54:09Z

Holy shit!! It has been over a year since I last updated. Not much is going on. The few people that will actually take the time to read this already know whats been going on in my life.

I just thought I'd say hi.... I'll write again later.

Hi.

2004-07-09T19:57:07Z

I haven't updated inawhile. I miss everyone so much. I just have spent the last few months putting my life back together and I have been a terrible friend in the process and haven't kept in touch with the people that I care so deeply for. ANyways, I have my own place now with Noel and Kristina. However, I think that I'm going to have people over tonight. If any of you would like to come, please call me. I've already left a message for you Michelle and Christine, Let me know. 322-9027. I love and miss you guys dearly! If you're reading this, it means i want you to come.

Tan

Well well well...

2004-03-14T08:09:02Z

Hi guys.

It seems that I never update anymore and when I go to, there is either so much or so little to write about, that a long entry hardly seemes worth it.

Big stuff: I got on lexapro which is an anti depressent and it is really helping me. Two weeks now without a breakdown. The longest I've gone in the past year.

Paula moved back in. God I missed my sissy. So bad. I'm so glad she's back. We seem as close or closer than before. She is my bestest friend.

I missed states today because I had to work. My friend Kristina, (the other person we're moving in with and who works with me) is in the hospital so I am covering all her shifts. I wanted to see aubry and chippewa so badly. Next year.

The family... don't even get me started. But just for the record, I still love my dad and if I ever see that woman and her husband I swear on my life that it will not be a pretty sight. I hate her even more today than I did a year ago and I didn't think that was possible.

I have the day off tomorrow. Whoop whooop.

This week was states break and I didnt get to see anyone cause I'm covering all my friends shifts. Grrrr. Love and miss you all so much.

I think I'm gonna request like four days off coming up so that I can just catch up with friends.

Muah!

-Tan

loves4saken1 @ 2004-03-08T14:24:00

2004-03-08T19:30:13Z

I have a lot I wanna update, but I'll do it later this week when I have time.

loves4saken1 @ 2004-03-02T02:26:00

2004-03-02T07:38:29Z

Current Mood ] anxious
[ Current Music ] none
[ Current Taste ] My mouth
[ Current Make-up ] just mascara and a lil eye liner
[ Current Hair ] ponytail
[ Current Annoyance ] my life
[ Current Smell ] Smoke
[ Current Favorite Artist ] Linkin Park
[ Current Desktop Picture ] Some pic that Lorne drew
[ Current Favorite Group ] Ooops, I guess I put that under artist. See above.
[ Current Book you're reading ] none
[ Current CD in CD Player] Papa Roach
[ Current DVD in player ] Lion King
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] Normal?
[ Current Refreshment ] water
[ Current Worry ] Life
[ Food ] Pizza
[ Drink ] Milk
[ Color ] blue pink and purple
[ Album ] Linkin Park
[ Shoes ] Fuzzy slippers
[ Candy ] dont like candy
[ Animal ] cats
[ TV Show ] dont watch tv
[ Movie ] Knights tale
[ Dance ] with Noli?
[ Song ] anything pissed offf that I can relate to right now
[ Vegetable ] Lima Beans
[ Cartoon ] rugrats

ARE YOU...
[ Understanding ]Yes
[ Open-minded ] sometimes
[ Arrogant ] not really
[ Insecure ] yes
[ Interesting ] depending on who you ask
[ Random ] haha,yea
[ Hungry ] Nope
[ Friendly ] yes
[ Smart ] very
[ Moody ] Now I am
[ Childish ] hehe yeppers
[ Independent ] yes, more than most people my age have to be
[ Hard working ] Yes
[ Organized ] Now....after living with the most unorganized person in the world for four months at school
[ Healthy ] dunno
[ Emotionally Stable ] Not at all
[ Shy ] Depends
[ Difficult ] When I'm making decisions I am, but thats about it
[ Attractive ] Ehhh...
[ Bored Easily ] No
[ Messy ] No
[ Thirsty ] always
[ Responsible ] very
[ Obsessed ] Just with the idea of not being sad anymore
[ Angry ] At certain dirty whores who shall remain nameless
[ Sad ] Very
[ Happy ] when I'm with a certain canoli of mine
[ Hyper ] occasionally
[Trusting ] very
[ Talkative ] most the time

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
[ Kill ] Just the nameless dirty whore that I mentioned above.[ Slap ] a much longer list then the one above
[ Get Really Wasted With ] Noli, then we can have drunk sex.
[ Get High With ] No one
[ Look Like ] Me, just a little cuter
[ Talk To Offline ] Sandy
[ Talk To Online ] Joey
[ My Name Is ] Tanya Jeanne Sunderman
[ In The Morning I Am ] asleep
[ All I Need Is ] My sweetie
[ Love ] Noli
[ I'm Afraid of ] Being like this for the rest of my life, being a failure.
[ I Dream About ] weird ass shit. And my baby of course.

H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . .
[ Pictured your crush naked? ] hahahahaha, No I just make him take his clothes off for me so I can actually see it.
[ Actually seen ur crush naked ] See above
[ Been in love ] currently
[ Cried when someone died ] Yes, including myself
[ Lied ] yeah

W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-

[ Coke or pepsi ] Coke

[ Flowers or candy] Flowers

[ Tall or short ] Tall

W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-

[what do u notice first?] Smile, and the "V"
[last person u slow danced with] John? No maybe Noli bowling.
[worst question to ask] Are you a virgin?

W H O-
[makes u laugh the most?] Noli
[makes you smile] see above
[gives u a funny feeling when u see them] this should just be called the Noli category
[who do you have a crush on? ] Uh, Noli
[has a crush on u?] LIke I said....
[is easiest to talk to] Guess who? Yep, Noli

D O. Y O U .E V E R-
[sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you?] no, i have tho.
[save aol/aim conversations] nope
[wish u were a member of the opposite sex] Only for one week out of the month
[cried because of someone saying something to you] yes

H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend] yeah
[been rejected] yess
[rejected someone] yes
[used someone] yes
[been cheated on] yes.....
[done something you regret] yes yes and yes

W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N- [
[you talked to on the phone] Noel
[hugged] Noel
[you instant messaged] John
[you laughed with] Noel, Lorne and John

D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[smoke cigarettes] never
[obsessive] no
[could u live without the computer?] maybe
[color ur hair] wednesday at eleven thirty hehe
[ever get off the damn computer] im hardly on any more
[habla espanol] what the fuck?
[how many peeps are on ur buddylist? ]121
[what's your favorite food?] Pizza
[whats ur favorite fruit?] pineapple and peaches
[drink alchohol?] sometimes
[like watching sunrises or sunset] sunset
[what hurts the most? loosing a mother
I WANT: a to fix my life
I HAVE: an amazing boyfrfiend
I HATE: stupid fucking dirty whore mothers who leave you for a fucking hick.
I CRY: all the time
I FIGHT: never
I CONFUSE: myself
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in noels arms
I AM HAPPY: when im with Noel or my friends

Well that was interesting...

2004-02-20T17:03:57Z

So I was gonna hang out with some friends last night and ended up with Noel going to the bar with my dad. It was alright at first, especially since I know he needed to get out of the house. It got a little emotional and I didn't have the best time, but I do think that he needed it so it's all good I suppose.

He's out of town this weekend. Think I might have some people over. But not sure yet.

Had quite the breakdown two nights ago. Big suprise. I think when I get my shit organized I'm gonna get some counseling. Not great counseling, since I can only afford the kind that charges per income, but counseling none the less. Hope it helps.

Seems like forever...

2004-02-12T20:46:42Z

It seems like such a long time since I've updated. There is so much to say but I've had to little time in my life to even think that I don't have time to thoroughly vent or update. However, here is some...I dunno, randomness.

-I got my valentines day present a week early! Noel got me a kitten. She's all orange and I named her Nalla. I love her.
-I work all the time and hardly have time to much else.
-I feel lost and empty. I am so fully of uncertainty that there is very little room for confidence or happiness which is lessening by the day.
-Two weeks from now is the anniversary of my death. The day that my mother left and ruined my life. The day I went from being Tanya, to a walking zombie without a soul.
-My sister and her mother are moving to florida. Good riddens.
-My father still doesn't see that his ex is a selfish dirty whore who only uses him still and that she never left her husband and was never going to but just said he did to get what she wanted.
-I miss my friends. But I'm so busy that I don't have time to even go online, or call them or see them.
-I have to figure out what to do with myself.

Dont know. I've just been thinking too much, or not enough.

Michelle: I miss you sweetie. I'm sorry that we don't talk so much. I wanna come see you. I usually have one weekend night off a week so I wanna come up there.

Christine: I'm sorry that we haven't seen each other much. I just work all the time and so late that by the time I get up its time to get ready for work. Thank you for sticking by me though and being a great friend, even if it is only when I have time for it. I'm sorry for that. I love you!

Monica: I miss you. I ran into Teresa a couple weeks ago. I really want to see you guys again. We were all so close senior year. I miss that. I told you guys everything. I love you!

I guess thats all. We are going to start apartment looking soon. Jon's mom is going to buy us an entire living room set for a house warming present because she wants him out of the house so bad. That's cool. And dad just bought me a new bed for mine and Noel's room. Soon enough. Hopefully I will get out of this slump when I move out.

I'm sorry everyone, for being a bad friend. I love you guys!

-Tan

loves4saken1 @ 2004-02-04T14:47:00

2004-02-04T19:54:36Z

If one does survive a devestating tragedy, one questions their reasoning for struggle. For in the eye of great tribulations, one's soul is easily overtaken and forfeited.

Here they go...

2004-01-30T03:01:56Z

It just can't get behind us...

I'm always reminded of it, and it makes me sick

Aww...

2004-01-25T03:17:58Z

So I'm still depressed, but some things that have helped...

-I screamed crying for an hour and a half yesterday.
-I got to cry on Noel for another hour after that.
-He turned on his strobe light and danced like a moron to make me laugh.
-Noel's mom found a lady with some pregnant cats and told her that her "son has been looking for a kitten for his fiance since before Christmas" so the lady promised that one of the kittens is reserved for me. How cute.
-The UV light from tanning puts me in a better mood.
-I got to help my 'little sister' get ready for snocoming today! She looked beautiful.
-I talked with a woman that lives in my house and listened like she cared. She bought me pizza and a card and we pigged out together.
-I found out my dad has some furniture that he's gonna suprise me with to take when I move out in a few months.

I'm still sad. But little things here and there help. I'm in a better mood today.

Going out tonight! Yay.

loves4saken1 @ 2004-01-23T18:24:00

2004-01-23T23:35:30Z

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh my God. It sounds as if someone wrote that just for me. I have broken wings that are torn and ugly. But no one sees the beautiful soul that I have on the inside. The one covered by the darkness of the pain and sorrow that I feel.

I have never wanted to be dead, more than I do right now. I have never not wanted to live as badly as I do at this time in my life. The "beautiful" parts of my life have been written and are over. Now I just live on to the best of my ability in my anguish and misery.

I have meltdowns daily now. I cry day by day and my thoughts trouble more than anything else. The emptiness that I feel in my life isn't being filled and it is that hole that is killing me.

Long day...longer life.

2004-01-18T23:49:20Z

I sit here as the hot tears stream down my cool cheeks. It's been quite the weekend and reading someones journal entry just set me over the top.

There is so much I want to do. There is so much I wish I could take back, or say, or make people see.
-I want my sister to see how she's changed. I want her to see that I'm not a bad person. I want to see her laughing. I want to know she's okay. I want to know that the next death I hear about isn't hers. When we lived together I could keep an eye on her, and worry about her when necessary. Now I know nothing. I can't help her when she's sad or be there when she's dying inside.
-I want my mother to realize how badly she hurt me. I want her to see how she ruined my life. I want someone else to be as mad at her as I am. I feel like the bad guy because I still hate her. But why doesn't any one else? Why doesn't anyone see that 90% of the bad things that have happened to me in the past year, and boy have there been a lot of them, were her fault. I want her to be punished. But she is so happy.
-I want to forget what she did. I want a mother back.I want MY mother back. The one who would rub my head when I was sick or yell at me for being ten minutes late for curfew. I want that....so badly.

I had a life. But that life is gone. I don't know what you would call me anymore. Human hardly seems fitting.

I guess my uncle died last night. My sisters mothers brother. I wasn't close to him, but I guess it's sad. Kinda glad that my mom finally has to go through something though. That's wrong to say, but "better honest..." I was once told.

I found that out in my sisters journal. I probably shouldn't read it, as it seems that she has died anyways. But somehow it's like a relationship that I can't get over. A love that just won't die, no matter how much I may want it to. That's my only means of "communicating" if thats what you call it. We don't comment to each other, I just read to see what she's doing, although sometimes it makes me more upset then I'm sure it should. I hate reading that her and her mother are just fine without me. That kills me. But I guess if Live jounral is the only thing I can handle, then it's good for me. A little means of "stalking" like the girlfriend that can't get over her lost love. It makes me feel like I'm still there.

There are no solutions to my problems. Some of you may read this and tell me just to talk to the people that I miss, but it's not that easy. Because the people I miss arent the people that they used to be.

I'm just sad. My heart bleeds for a mother, and for my best friend. But we all have losses. I guess mine are nothing. There is nothing to be done about them. ...

I'm pretty much nothing anymore...

-Bleeding and broken

ugh...

2004-01-17T22:56:27Z

Well...I replied to that out of the blue email and asked to be left alone.

I made fifty bucks working a few hours yesterday during the lunch rush and forty today, even though we were slow. I like it...

...but I'm sore! Ouchy!

I saw girls prom dress for her senior prom that she showed me, what do you say to someone when they like it but you think it's hideous? I dunno, maybe I could just be honest, like a girl I once knew used to be when I showed her every damn thing I ever liked.

Anyways, tonight I would like to go dancing. But I have to go visit Breezy, work out and shower yet. Plus my feet hurt too badly to go.

Go State! Muah!

-Tan

Ugh...

2004-01-16T01:51:59Z

I worked a long day. Not bad. I like waitressing. I like getting tips. Now I must learn to put them away when I get home at night so that they don't get spent.

Nothing exciting is going on in my life...

My dad thinks I'm getting married.

I guess thats about all! Love ya!

-Tan

loves4saken1 @ 2004-01-14T15:13:00

2004-01-14T20:26:14Z

First best friend: Bradley Molter
First car: 1996 Grand am GT
First date: Jason Furton
First real kiss: Actual, or real. Real kiss: Noel.
First break-up: Christian Riedel
First screen name: Danzergurl15
First self purchased album: TLC
First funeral: My Grandma Annie's
First pets: scruffy
First piercing/tattoo: ears, fairy tattoo on back.
First credit card: Visa student card...my best friend.
First true love: True love...I truly loved Shane Baldwin, but as my dearest friend. And romantically, Noel.
First enemy: The three blondes in preschool, and suzanne murphy.
First big trip: naples, florida for a month
First musician you remember hearing in your house: The donut CLub!! Lol,and my sissy.
Last cigarette: Never.
Last car ride: Like three hours ago.
Last kiss: This morning!
Last good cry: 2 nights ago, I missed my sis's mom.
Last library book checked out: Some shit on immigration for my final paper.
Last movie seen: The beach.
Last beverage drank: Iced tea.
Last food consumed: a cardboard tasting atkins bar! Ewww...
Last crush: Noel? He counts right?
Last phone call: Jess.
Last time showered: Yesterday evening.
Last shoes worn: White tennis.
Last cd played: White Boy Rick...LOL GRATIOT!
Last item bought: A hot ass dress? I think.
Last annoyance: Dumbshit cat...
Last disappointment: My sister and her mother.
Last time wanting to die: A few years/months/weeks/days ago.
Last time scolded: A long time ago.
Last shirt worn: Blue zip up.
Last website visited: livejournal.com....duh!

loves4saken1 @ 2004-01-14T09:30:00

2004-01-14T14:37:20Z

So out of nowhere, someone from my past decides to email me. It kind of flustered me, for I never wanted to hear from him again! Don't know whether to reply and tell him to stay the fuck out of my life, or just leave it unanswered. Anyways...

Thank God for Noel.

My story...

2004-01-13T07:03:33Z

Once upon a time, in all his glory and splendor, a heavenly being had both the creativity and power to condor up such miracles as a sunrise, or a winter snowfall. One day as he sat a top a cloud and marveled at his creation, he found two wondering hearts and figured that he would join them together so that they might have a companion. However, he overlooked the bodies in which those hearts resided and didn't notice their vast differences or varying interests. Nevertheless, just as he was about to separate these now unlonely hearts, he realized that in their partnership, they had harbored a strong and unique love for one another. Although they had not been destined to be, these two souls fit together perfectly, and in their union never found discourse, or conflict; only love and compassion. So he let these two stay together, undaunted by the evil that surrounded them or those who tried to doom their union to failure. For their reward for the harshness that the world had shown them, was repayed by this unexpected merger that provided them a warm blanket to the coldness of their every day lives.

And so it was, that God created and kept his most beautiful mistake: in the union of you and I!

~Aww...It came me as I lay in bed, snuddled next to my beautiful mistake. Thank you God!~

'Night

-Tan

Sad day.....bored as hell.

2004-01-13T00:27:52Z

.name.TANYA
.age. 18
.sex. A GIRLIE
.marital status. UM, MY FRIENDS SAY I'M MARRIED.
.height. 5'6 or 7
.hair color. DARK BROWN WITH RED HIGHLIGHTS
.eye color. HAZEL
.sexual preference. MALE
.ethnicity. WHITE
{favorite...}
.band. LINKIN PARK
.song. RIGHT NOW, NUMB.
.singer. CHESTER
.food. PEACHES AND PIZZA
.magazine. DON'T READ MAGAZINES
.flower. TULIPS
.animal. KITTIES...I WANT ONE!!!
.tv show. DON'T WATCH TV.
.tv station. MTV IF I WATCH IT
.stuffed animal. SLEEPY, AND MY CARE BEARS
.outside of U.S.. CANADIA OR PARIS
.color. BLUE OR PURPLE
.weather. I LIKE HOODIE WEATHER, THAT IS ALMOST MY ENTIRE WARDROBE.
.season. ALL OF THEM
.month. DECEMBER OR MARCH
.journal: THIS ONE

(family}
.living arrangement. NOELS HOUSE MOST THE TIME, HERE OR AT SANDY'S. DEPENDING ON THE NIGHT
.how many people are in your family. IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S JUST ME... SO 1.
.do you ever have family get togethers?. NOT SO MUCH ANYMORE
.your favorite cousin. BETH, SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT LIKES OR BELIEVES ME.
.your favorite family member. PROLLY BETH AGAIN.
.your least favorite family member.: WHERE DO I START?...
.is family important to you?. NOT MINE. BUT HOPEFULLY ONE DAY I CAN START MY OWN AND THAT ONE WILL BE.
.do you get along with your parents?. PARENT, SINGULAR. AND MOST THE TIME, YES.
.siblings. DON'T HAVE ANY THAT I STILL TALK TO.
.ages. WHO CARES...?
.do you get along with your siblings?. NO
.pets. THEY HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN MINE AWAY. NOEL'S PARENTS ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW KITTY FOR ME RIGHT NOW, BUT OTHER THEN THAT, JUST LISA'S DUMBSHIT CAT.

{thoughts}
.suicide. I JUST WISH IT WASN'T WRONG ACCORDING TO GOD.
.homosexuality. PEOPLE ARE FREE TO DO WHAT THEY WANT.
.sex before marriage. JUST BECAUE I'M RELIGIOUS, I SAY IT'S WRONG. BUT I'VE FALLEN VICTIM TO THAT SIN SO I HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK.
.boredom. I WANNA DIE
.love. THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD....AND THE WORST WHEN ITS LOST
.life. SUCKS... ESPECIALLY WHEN SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLOSEST TO YOU JUST PICK UP AND LEAVE YOU.

{this or that}
.coke/pepsi. COKE
.vanilla coke/vanilla pepsi. NEITHER
.chocolate/vanilla. CHOCOLATE
.black/white. BLACK
.light/dark. DARK
.sun/moon. MOON
.rain/snow. BOTH
.sunshine/rain. BOTH
.summer/winter. BOTH
.spring/autumn. AUTUMN
.sunrise/sunset. SUNSET, WHO THE HELL IS EVER UP EARLY ENOUGH TO SEE A SUNRISE? LOL
.car/suv. SUV
.cellphone/pager. PHONE
.radio/tv. RADIO
.vhs/dvd. DVD
.cd/tape. CD
.morning/night. NIGHT
.ocean/pool. POOL
.skiing/snowboarding. SNOWBOARDING
.oranges/apples. ORANGES
.strawberries/bananas. BOTH
.penguins/polar bears. PENGUINS...I'M A PENGUIN! LOL
.pizza hut/dominos. PIZZA HUT

{have you ever...}
.stole/shop-lifted. NOT REALLY.
.speed. NOPE WELL HAVENT BEEN CAUGHT LOL
.smoked. NO
.drank. UMM YEAH
-.gotten drunk. A FEW TIMES
-.gotten drunk and passed out. DONT THINK SO.
-.gotten drunk and couldn't remember anything. NOT REALLY
.done drugs. NOPE NOPE NOPE
-.weed. NO
-.marijuana. NO
-.shrooms NO
-.lsd. NO
-.ecstasy. NO
-.crack. NO
-.coccaine. NO
-.heorin. NO
-.inhalants. NO
.skinny dipped. YEPPERS
.had sex. ... ;)
.snuck out of the house. YEAH
.ran away from home. WANTED TO
.tried to commit suicide. HALF ASSEDLY. DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD RIGHT NOW.

{end}
.what time is it. 7:22 PM
.are you glad this is over. YEAH NOW IM BORED STILL...LOL

A body without a soul...

2004-01-10T22:27:01Z

That's how I feel sometimes. Like with my family, my soul flew from my life, without the least bit of instructions for what to do with myself.

I don't know. I'm suppose to find "...someone smarter and richer..." according to my father. Noel's not good enough anymore. And I know that doesn't matter, but then it had me thinking and I hate when I do that. Things are alright between us still tho.

I just got done cleaning the house. No one else will do it. Whoever thought I'd clean without being asked?

I have the whole weekend off work.

I'm hungry. There's no food in the house and I have no money! Ahhhh. Maybe I'll go take back some bottles. Have a good night ya'll.

-Tan

For once...

2004-01-07T19:33:38Z

I'll leave you guys a short entry. I don't write in here too too often so when I do I write a lot.

Anyways, last night Michelle came over with Bri and Noel came over and we watched Underworld, which I thought was a way good movie.

Today I work...

I don't know why but I have just been craving Noels attention lately. I hate to be without him.

Have a good day!Muah!

-Tan

2003...

2004-01-05T20:04:39Z

Was supposed to be the best year of my life. In many ways it was. But in others, it was the worse year as well.

Good Points:
1)I spent the whole year with someone that made me happy in even the most gloomy of moments.
2)I got closer with my mother, for a few months.
3)I had the best year of high school ever.
4)I graduated.
5)I went to College.
6)Me and my sister became best friends
7)I got a couple new cars
8)I finally went on a vacation, minus the parentals.
9)I made some great new friends.

However, the terrible parts somehow overshadow all the greatness that I achieved.
1)I lost my mother...she died to me.
2)I lost my sister.
3)For awhile, I lost my father.
4)I went to college and realized that I had to come home.
5)I lost myself.
6)My "little sister" lost her ability to walk.
7)I found out secrets that will haunt me for the rest of my days.
8)I have nothing great about me anymore...

I don't know. So many great things, yet so many heartwrenching events that have left me in some sort of a whirlwind.

I miss my family. Not the memebers of it, but the concept of having one.
I miss who my sister used to be before her mother got to her.
I miss my old father.
I miss Toby.
I miss knowing what I want to do with my life.
I miss shopping and taking a stop at El Charro with my little sister on a summer afternoon.
I miss my friends.

Maybe, I am hoping,that my life will get better when in a few months I move into my own place and start to build my own life. Have my own Christmas's, start to build my own traditions. I wait for those days.

But there are days I dred.
-My wedding: I wont have a mother there. I have decided that when they ask who gives this girl away at the ceremony that I want Pat and Sandy to sit next to my dad and say they do with him. They are like my parents who I adore. But my father will not spend the day adoring me. But rather grieving over the fact that my ex mother is not there.
-My sisters wedding:I don't expect to go now anyways. Though I once thought of myself being her bridesmaid and she mine. But neither of us will attend the others wedding. And even if we do make up by the time we are married. IF we can both change, I cant go to her wedding. I refuse to see that man who will give her away. The man that ruined my life, and the woman who accompanied him.
-The rest of my life....

Anyways...enough of that. I start a new job tonight! Money money money! God do I need it.

Went to Church yesterday with Sandy and the family and then to El Charros. It was great. I spent the whole weekend there with them. I feel just like their daughter and sister. I love it!!!!

I'm off to occupy myself...don't know with what but I suppose I'll use that little thing I like to call imagination.

-Tan

Oh My God...

2003-12-31T20:02:59Z

...if there is still one out there.

The little bitch took me off her friends list so that she didn't have to read my entries. So I finally assumed that I could get some shit off my chest. So what entry does she go in and read? The one about her. Not that I care because she needed to hear it. She tried to tell me she's not spoiled. Bullshit. But anyways.

And people talk about people behind their backs all the time. My cousins talk about how Paula has changed and I wrote that down and now she is all pissed at them. OMG. Drama queen. Who didn't go to Kims graduation after she promised to be there? Oh right. Grow up. They said it in the kindest way just like you've talked about them before too. Whatever. There is no excuse to be pissed at them but it will add some chapters to the stuff she's been through that she can brag about so why not get mad...right?

From now on when I want to bitch I am putting it on friends only. But anyways, somehow her low ass GPA got her into U of F. She's leaving!!! Woohoo!

I won't rant about my escapades...I'm sure you don't want to hear my "SOBER" events. That doesn't fall in with the "I'm an alcoholic scheme." I love it.

Oh, and she says I do all this to hurt her. One: I didn't even think that she read my live journal anymore. Two: I have better things to do than ruin her perfect little life with her mother. I have real problems of my own, like trying to provide for myself. What the fuck ever. Oops. I swore.

I'm getting a job at Steak and Shake. WooHoo.

Happy New Years guys! Love ya bunches.

-Tan

PS: Yesterday was Noels birthday. I made him a "carry out dinner from olive garden" lol and a cake. Then we had an enjoyable evening.

And tonight, holy shit, I'm not going out drinking for new years eve. Unbelievable. I'm sitting at home with two friends and my sweetie and renting movies. Aren't I the little alcoholic? LOL

loves4saken1 @ 2003-12-27T21:34:00

2003-12-28T02:50:48Z

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? Um...Went to a night club...and college.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I prolly didn't keep 'em and I don't know if I'll make any this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, My aunt
4. Did anyone close to you die? Me...
5. What countries did you visit? Just thisone
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? Dunno, a family.
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 1, My mom went up north and started the affair that ruined my life.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? getting a 3.7 at MSU!!
9. What was your biggest failure? Being a part of the sundermans
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Cheerleading injury and a bunch of being sick
11. What was the best thing you bought? I didn't buy much of anything...Prolly my prom dress
12 Whose behavior merited celebration? Sandy's family.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My mom and sister
14. Where did most of your money go? Not sure
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? not much of anything
16. What song will always remind you of 2003?I forget the name of it. It's by trapt and it talks about not understanding how life turned to shit.
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? about the same
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? hung out with friends
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? crying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I WAS with Noel and my dad
22. Did you fall in love in 2003? yeppers
23. How many one-night stands? none
24. What was your favorite TV program? Wade Robsins dance project. LOL
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? yes, my mom and my sister
26. What was the best book you read? In the heat of passion
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? trapt
28. What did you want and get? good grades
30. What was your favorite film of this year? honey
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 18.. hung out with Noel and went out to eat
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? My mom not being a slut
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? hoodie and jeans
34. What kept you sane? Noel and my friends
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Wade Robsin...
36. What political issue stirred you the most? iraq
37. Who did you miss? a lot of ppl
38. Who was the best new person you met? friend chris at school
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003: That when someone tells you that you're "Their life" they really mean "A guy will easily replace you."
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:Dunno

Bah Humbug...

2003-12-22T01:49:54Z

So I'm excited for Christmas, just because it's in my blood to be so. I wanna give Noel my presents for him and see what creative thing he has come up with this year. It is our second Christmas together...

But I am dreading the tears. The ones that I will shed this year, but more the ones my father will cry when he wakes up Christmas morning to only one daughter and no one else.

He and I are getting along at least, but I dunno. It's so great to be home around my friends and my sweetie. I missed everyone. I got to see my fitz friends last night and Henry is home from the marines so I got to see him. Tommy is home from the Army so I think that tonight I get to see him as well.

It's nice to be around people again that know me. People that know me without me trying to explain it with stories or feelings. I missed that.

I think I'm going to be okay. I decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a "Sandy." I want to be in love with my husband and my kids. I want to be a teacher, yes, but more importantly I want to as influencial as Sandy has been to so many people. I want to teach and when my students go home for the day, I want to walk down to the gym and be a cheerleading coach. I want to run my kids all over town. I want to brag about them with the smile that Sandy does that with. I want to be 42 and still kissing my husband goodbye everytime we leave each other. I figured it out. I just want to be Sandy when I grow up. That's all I can ask for.

Anyways...I don't know where that rant came from. I just wanted to bitch about how Christmas is kinda gonna suck this year without...well what it used to be. Maybe suck is too severe a word. It will be sad. But I have to get used to it.

I miss you guys that I haven't had time to see in awhile cause of Briana. I've been at the hospital all the time but she came home today!! Yay!

So: Monica, Michelle, Mary, Rob; I miss you and wanna hang out with you so badly. I'm getting there I promise. Love you!

I guess that's all. Paula's coming over to get her piano soon. Good. I feel uncomfortable even talking to her any more. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do?

Sorry it was so long. LOVE YOU GUYS! Merry Christmas!!

-Tan