Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tanya's LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 22nd, 2005
12:15 am	Well, its after midnight and I need to be getting to sleep because I have to take Jozalyn in to get fixed and declawed tomorrow. Summer is drawing to a close and so far the summer has been quite alright. I got to see a lot of people that I really wanted to see. Especially my Michelle and Tommy. Tommy, mine and Nolis cousin is home from Iraq. (Really Nolis cousin hes just my friend too.) He goes back on tuesday. Pray for three more months of safety. Noel and my 3 year anniversary is next month and I know somewhat of what im getting him. I dont know whats going on for school right now. I am filing for independancy again and if I dont get approved I am only taking one class at macomb and thats it cause I cant afford it anymore. If I dont get approved as independent, than I am making Noli court marry me so we can pay for my school and we'll have a ceremony later. I love and miss you guys dearly!! 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
9:52 pm	Holy Shit Holy shit!! It has been over a year since I last updated. Not much is going on. The few people that will actually take the time to read this already know whats been going on in my life. I just thought I'd say hi.... I'll write again later. 3 butterflies blow me a kiss
Friday, July 9th, 2004
3:54 pm	Hi. I haven't updated inawhile. I miss everyone so much. I just have spent the last few months putting my life back together and I have been a terrible friend in the process and haven't kept in touch with the people that I care so deeply for. ANyways, I have my own place now with Noel and Kristina. However, I think that I'm going to have people over tonight. If any of you would like to come, please call me. I've already left a message for you Michelle and Christine, Let me know. 322-9027. I love and miss you guys dearly! If you're reading this, it means i want you to come. Tan 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
2:58 am	Well well well... Hi guys. It seems that I never update anymore and when I go to, there is either so much or so little to write about, that a long entry hardly seemes worth it. Big stuff: I got on lexapro which is an anti depressent and it is really helping me. Two weeks now without a breakdown. The longest I've gone in the past year. Paula moved back in. God I missed my sissy. So bad. I'm so glad she's back. We seem as close or closer than before. She is my bestest friend. I missed states today because I had to work. My friend Kristina, (the other person we're moving in with and who works with me) is in the hospital so I am covering all her shifts. I wanted to see aubry and chippewa so badly. Next year. The family... don't even get me started. But just for the record, I still love my dad and if I ever see that woman and her husband I swear on my life that it will not be a pretty sight. I hate her even more today than I did a year ago and I didn't think that was possible. I have the day off tomorrow. Whoop whooop. This week was states break and I didnt get to see anyone cause I'm covering all my friends shifts. Grrrr. Love and miss you all so much. I think I'm gonna request like four days off coming up so that I can just catch up with friends. Muah! -Tan Current Mood: sore 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Monday, March 8th, 2004
2:24 pm	I have a lot I wanna update, but I'll do it later this week when I have time. 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
2:26 am	Current Mood ] anxious [ Current Music ] none [ Current Taste ] My mouth [ Current Make-up ] just mascara and a lil eye liner [ Current Hair ] ponytail [ Current Annoyance ] my life [ Current Smell ] Smoke [ Current Favorite Artist ] Linkin Park [ Current Desktop Picture ] Some pic that Lorne drew [ Current Favorite Group ] Ooops, I guess I put that under artist. See above. [ Current Book you're reading ] none [ Current CD in CD Player] Papa Roach [ Current DVD in player ] Lion King [ Current Color Of Toenails ] Normal? [ Current Refreshment ] water [ Current Worry ] Life [ Food ] Pizza [ Drink ] Milk [ Color ] blue pink and purple [ Album ] Linkin Park [ Shoes ] Fuzzy slippers [ Candy ] dont like candy [ Animal ] cats [ TV Show ] dont watch tv [ Movie ] Knights tale [ Dance ] with Noli? [ Song ] anything pissed offf that I can relate to right now [ Vegetable ] Lima Beans [ Cartoon ] rugrats ARE YOU... [ Understanding ]Yes [ Open-minded ] sometimes [ Arrogant ] not really [ Insecure ] yes [ Interesting ] depending on who you ask [ Random ] haha,yea [ Hungry ] Nope [ Friendly ] yes [ Smart ] very [ Moody ] Now I am [ Childish ] hehe yeppers [ Independent ] yes, more than most people my age have to be [ Hard working ] Yes [ Organized ] Now....after living with the most unorganized person in the world for four months at school [ Healthy ] dunno [ Emotionally Stable ] Not at all [ Shy ] Depends [ Difficult ] When I'm making decisions I am, but thats about it [ Attractive ] Ehhh... [ Bored Easily ] No [ Messy ] No [ Thirsty ] always [ Responsible ] very [ Obsessed ] Just with the idea of not being sad anymore [ Angry ] At certain dirty whores who shall remain nameless [ Sad ] Very [ Happy ] when I'm with a certain canoli of mine [ Hyper ] occasionally [Trusting ] very [ Talkative ] most the time WHO DO YOU WANT TO... [ Kill ] Just the nameless dirty whore that I mentioned above.[ Slap ] a much longer list then the one above [ Get Really Wasted With ] Noli, then we can have drunk sex. [ Get High With ] No one [ Look Like ] Me, just a little cuter [ Talk To Offline ] Sandy [ Talk To Online ] Joey [ My Name Is ] Tanya Jeanne Sunderman [ In The Morning I Am ] asleep [ All I Need Is ] My sweetie [ Love ] Noli [ I'm Afraid of ] Being like this for the rest of my life, being a failure. [ I Dream About ] weird ass shit. And my baby of course. H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . . [ Pictured your crush naked? ] hahahahaha, No I just make him take his clothes off for me so I can actually see it. [ Actually seen ur crush naked ] See above [ Been in love ] currently [ Cried when someone died ] Yes, including myself [ Lied ] yeah W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R- [ Coke or pepsi ] Coke [ Flowers or candy] Flowers [ Tall or short ] Tall W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X- [what do u notice first?] Smile, and the "V" [last person u slow danced with] John? No maybe Noli bowling. [worst question to ask] Are you a virgin? W H O- [makes u laugh the most?] Noli [makes you smile] see above [gives u a funny feeling when u see them] this should just be called the Noli category [who do you have a crush on? ] Uh, Noli [has a crush on u?] LIke I said.... [is easiest to talk to] Guess who? Yep, Noli D O. Y O U .E V E R- [sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you?] no, i have tho. [save aol/aim conversations] nope [wish u were a member of the opposite sex] Only for one week out of the month [cried because of someone saying something to you] yes H A V E .Y O U .E V E R- [fallen for your best friend] yeah [been rejected] yess [rejected someone] yes [used someone] yes [been cheated on] yes..... [done something you regret] yes yes and yes W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N- [ [you talked to on the phone] Noel [hugged] Noel [you instant messaged] John [you laughed with] Noel, Lorne and John D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U- [smoke cigarettes] never [obsessive] no [could u live without the computer?] maybe [color ur hair] wednesday at eleven thirty hehe [ever get off the damn computer] im hardly on any more [habla espanol] what the fuck? [how many peeps are on ur buddylist? ]121 [what's your favorite food?] Pizza [whats ur favorite fruit?] pineapple and peaches [drink alchohol?] sometimes [like watching sunrises or sunset] sunset [what hurts the most? loosing a mother I WANT: a to fix my life I HAVE: an amazing boyfrfiend I HATE: stupid fucking dirty whore mothers who leave you for a fucking hick. I CRY: all the time I FIGHT: never I CONFUSE: myself I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in noels arms I AM HAPPY: when im with Noel or my friends Current Mood: blah blow me a kiss
Friday, February 20th, 2004
11:55 am	Well that was interesting... So I was gonna hang out with some friends last night and ended up with Noel going to the bar with my dad. It was alright at first, especially since I know he needed to get out of the house. It got a little emotional and I didn't have the best time, but I do think that he needed it so it's all good I suppose. He's out of town this weekend. Think I might have some people over. But not sure yet. Had quite the breakdown two nights ago. Big suprise. I think when I get my shit organized I'm gonna get some counseling. Not great counseling, since I can only afford the kind that charges per income, but counseling none the less. Hope it helps. Current Mood: blank blow me a kiss
Thursday, February 12th, 2004
3:32 pm	Seems like forever... It seems like such a long time since I've updated. There is so much to say but I've had to little time in my life to even think that I don't have time to thoroughly vent or update. However, here is some...I dunno, randomness. -I got my valentines day present a week early! Noel got me a kitten. She's all orange and I named her Nalla. I love her. -I work all the time and hardly have time to much else. -I feel lost and empty. I am so fully of uncertainty that there is very little room for confidence or happiness which is lessening by the day. -Two weeks from now is the anniversary of my death. The day that my mother left and ruined my life. The day I went from being Tanya, to a walking zombie without a soul. -My sister and her mother are moving to florida. Good riddens. -My father still doesn't see that his ex is a selfish dirty whore who only uses him still and that she never left her husband and was never going to but just said he did to get what she wanted. -I miss my friends. But I'm so busy that I don't have time to even go online, or call them or see them. -I have to figure out what to do with myself. Dont know. I've just been thinking too much, or not enough. Michelle: I miss you sweetie. I'm sorry that we don't talk so much. I wanna come see you. I usually have one weekend night off a week so I wanna come up there. Christine: I'm sorry that we haven't seen each other much. I just work all the time and so late that by the time I get up its time to get ready for work. Thank you for sticking by me though and being a great friend, even if it is only when I have time for it. I'm sorry for that. I love you! Monica: I miss you. I ran into Teresa a couple weeks ago. I really want to see you guys again. We were all so close senior year. I miss that. I told you guys everything. I love you! I guess thats all. We are going to start apartment looking soon. Jon's mom is going to buy us an entire living room set for a house warming present because she wants him out of the house so bad. That's cool. And dad just bought me a new bed for mine and Noel's room. Soon enough. Hopefully I will get out of this slump when I move out. I'm sorry everyone, for being a bad friend. I love you guys! -Tan Current Mood: aggravated 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
2:47 pm	If one does survive a devestating tragedy, one questions their reasoning for struggle. For in the eye of great tribulations, one's soul is easily overtaken and forfeited. Current Mood: drained 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Thursday, January 29th, 2004
9:56 pm	Here they go... It just can't get behind us... I'm always reminded of it, and it makes me sick blow me a kiss
Saturday, January 24th, 2004
10:05 pm	Aww... So I'm still depressed, but some things that have helped... -I screamed crying for an hour and a half yesterday. -I got to cry on Noel for another hour after that. -He turned on his strobe light and danced like a moron to make me laugh. -Noel's mom found a lady with some pregnant cats and told her that her "son has been looking for a kitten for his fiance since before Christmas" so the lady promised that one of the kittens is reserved for me. How cute. -The UV light from tanning puts me in a better mood. -I got to help my 'little sister' get ready for snocoming today! She looked beautiful. -I talked with a woman that lives in my house and listened like she cared. She bought me pizza and a card and we pigged out together. -I found out my dad has some furniture that he's gonna suprise me with to take when I move out in a few months. I'm still sad. But little things here and there help. I'm in a better mood today. Going out tonight! Yay. Current Mood: numb 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
6:24 pm	Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful. *~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~* brought to you by Quizilla Oh my God. It sounds as if someone wrote that just for me. I have broken wings that are torn and ugly. But no one sees the beautiful soul that I have on the inside. The one covered by the darkness of the pain and sorrow that I feel. I have never wanted to be dead, more than I do right now. I have never not wanted to live as badly as I do at this time in my life. The "beautiful" parts of my life have been written and are over. Now I just live on to the best of my ability in my anguish and misery. I have meltdowns daily now. I cry day by day and my thoughts trouble more than anything else. The emptiness that I feel in my life isn't being filled and it is that hole that is killing me. Current Mood: hopeless 5 butterflies blow me a kiss
Sunday, January 18th, 2004
6:28 pm	Long day...longer life. I sit here as the hot tears stream down my cool cheeks. It's been quite the weekend and reading someones journal entry just set me over the top. There is so much I want to do. There is so much I wish I could take back, or say, or make people see. -I want my sister to see how she's changed. I want her to see that I'm not a bad person. I want to see her laughing. I want to know she's okay. I want to know that the next death I hear about isn't hers. When we lived together I could keep an eye on her, and worry about her when necessary. Now I know nothing. I can't help her when she's sad or be there when she's dying inside. -I want my mother to realize how badly she hurt me. I want her to see how she ruined my life. I want someone else to be as mad at her as I am. I feel like the bad guy because I still hate her. But why doesn't any one else? Why doesn't anyone see that 90% of the bad things that have happened to me in the past year, and boy have there been a lot of them, were her fault. I want her to be punished. But she is so happy. -I want to forget what she did. I want a mother back.I want MY mother back. The one who would rub my head when I was sick or yell at me for being ten minutes late for curfew. I want that....so badly. I had a life. But that life is gone. I don't know what you would call me anymore. Human hardly seems fitting. I guess my uncle died last night. My sisters mothers brother. I wasn't close to him, but I guess it's sad. Kinda glad that my mom finally has to go through something though. That's wrong to say, but "better honest..." I was once told. I found that out in my sisters journal. I probably shouldn't read it, as it seems that she has died anyways. But somehow it's like a relationship that I can't get over. A love that just won't die, no matter how much I may want it to. That's my only means of "communicating" if thats what you call it. We don't comment to each other, I just read to see what she's doing, although sometimes it makes me more upset then I'm sure it should. I hate reading that her and her mother are just fine without me. That kills me. But I guess if Live jounral is the only thing I can handle, then it's good for me. A little means of "stalking" like the girlfriend that can't get over her lost love. It makes me feel like I'm still there. There are no solutions to my problems. Some of you may read this and tell me just to talk to the people that I miss, but it's not that easy. Because the people I miss arent the people that they used to be. I'm just sad. My heart bleeds for a mother, and for my best friend. But we all have losses. I guess mine are nothing. There is nothing to be done about them. ... I'm pretty much nothing anymore... -Bleeding and broken Current Mood: crushed 4 butterflies blow me a kiss
Saturday, January 17th, 2004
5:47 pm	ugh... Well...I replied to that out of the blue email and asked to be left alone. I made fifty bucks working a few hours yesterday during the lunch rush and forty today, even though we were slow. I like it... ...but I'm sore! Ouchy! I saw girls prom dress for her senior prom that she showed me, what do you say to someone when they like it but you think it's hideous? I dunno, maybe I could just be honest, like a girl I once knew used to be when I showed her every damn thing I ever liked. Anyways, tonight I would like to go dancing. But I have to go visit Breezy, work out and shower yet. Plus my feet hurt too badly to go. Go State! Muah! -Tan Current Mood: sore 2 butterflies blow me a kiss
Thursday, January 15th, 2004
8:43 pm	Ugh... I worked a long day. Not bad. I like waitressing. I like getting tips. Now I must learn to put them away when I get home at night so that they don't get spent. Nothing exciting is going on in my life... My dad thinks I'm getting married. I guess thats about all! Love ya! -Tan Current Mood: amused 1 butterfly blow me a kiss
Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
3:13 pm	First best friend: Bradley Molter First car: 1996 Grand am GT First date: Jason Furton First real kiss: Actual, or real. Real kiss: Noel. First break-up: Christian Riedel First screen name: Danzergurl15 First self purchased album: TLC First funeral: My Grandma Annie's First pets: scruffy First piercing/tattoo: ears, fairy tattoo on back. First credit card: Visa student card...my best friend. First true love: True love...I truly loved Shane Baldwin, but as my dearest friend. And romantically, Noel. First enemy: The three blondes in preschool, and suzanne murphy. First big trip: naples, florida for a month First musician you remember hearing in your house: The donut CLub!! Lol,and my sissy. Last cigarette: Never. Last car ride: Like three hours ago. Last kiss: This morning! Last good cry: 2 nights ago, I missed my sis's mom. Last library book checked out: Some shit on immigration for my final paper. Last movie seen: The beach. Last beverage drank: Iced tea. Last food consumed: a cardboard tasting atkins bar! Ewww... Last crush: Noel? He counts right? Last phone call: Jess. Last time showered: Yesterday evening. Last shoes worn: White tennis. Last cd played: White Boy Rick...LOL GRATIOT! Last item bought: A hot ass dress? I think. Last annoyance: Dumbshit cat... Last disappointment: My sister and her mother. Last time wanting to die: A few years/months/weeks/days ago. Last time scolded: A long time ago. Last shirt worn: Blue zip up. Last website visited: livejournal.com....duh! Current Mood: annoyed blow me a kiss
9:30 am	So out of nowhere, someone from my past decides to email me. It kind of flustered me, for I never wanted to hear from him again! Don't know whether to reply and tell him to stay the fuck out of my life, or just leave it unanswered. Anyways... Thank God for Noel. Current Mood: sleepy blow me a kiss
Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
1:40 am	My story... Once upon a time, in all his glory and splendor, a heavenly being had both the creativity and power to condor up such miracles as a sunrise, or a winter snowfall. One day as he sat a top a cloud and marveled at his creation, he found two wondering hearts and figured that he would join them together so that they might have a companion. However, he overlooked the bodies in which those hearts resided and didn't notice their vast differences or varying interests. Nevertheless, just as he was about to separate these now unlonely hearts, he realized that in their partnership, they had harbored a strong and unique love for one another. Although they had not been destined to be, these two souls fit together perfectly, and in their union never found discourse, or conflict; only love and compassion. So he let these two stay together, undaunted by the evil that surrounded them or those who tried to doom their union to failure. For their reward for the harshness that the world had shown them, was repayed by this unexpected merger that provided them a warm blanket to the coldness of their every day lives. And so it was, that God created and kept his most beautiful mistake: in the union of you and I! ~Aww...It came me as I lay in bed, snuddled next to my beautiful mistake. Thank you God!~ 'Night -Tan Current Mood: loved blow me a kiss
Monday, January 12th, 2004
7:09 pm	Sad day.....bored as hell. .name.TANYA .age. 18 .sex. A GIRLIE .marital status. UM, MY FRIENDS SAY I'M MARRIED. .height. 5'6 or 7 .hair color. DARK BROWN WITH RED HIGHLIGHTS .eye color. HAZEL .sexual preference. MALE .ethnicity. WHITE {favorite...} .band. LINKIN PARK .song. RIGHT NOW, NUMB. .singer. CHESTER .food. PEACHES AND PIZZA .magazine. DON'T READ MAGAZINES .flower. TULIPS .animal. KITTIES...I WANT ONE!!! .tv show. DON'T WATCH TV. .tv station. MTV IF I WATCH IT .stuffed animal. SLEEPY, AND MY CARE BEARS .outside of U.S.. CANADIA OR PARIS .color. BLUE OR PURPLE .weather. I LIKE HOODIE WEATHER, THAT IS ALMOST MY ENTIRE WARDROBE. .season. ALL OF THEM .month. DECEMBER OR MARCH .journal: THIS ONE (family} .living arrangement. NOELS HOUSE MOST THE TIME, HERE OR AT SANDY'S. DEPENDING ON THE NIGHT .how many people are in your family. IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S JUST ME... SO 1. .do you ever have family get togethers?. NOT SO MUCH ANYMORE .your favorite cousin. BETH, SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT LIKES OR BELIEVES ME. .your favorite family member. PROLLY BETH AGAIN. .your least favorite family member.: WHERE DO I START?... .is family important to you?. NOT MINE. BUT HOPEFULLY ONE DAY I CAN START MY OWN AND THAT ONE WILL BE. .do you get along with your parents?. PARENT, SINGULAR. AND MOST THE TIME, YES. .siblings. DON'T HAVE ANY THAT I STILL TALK TO. .ages. WHO CARES...? .do you get along with your siblings?. NO .pets. THEY HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN MINE AWAY. NOEL'S PARENTS ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW KITTY FOR ME RIGHT NOW, BUT OTHER THEN THAT, JUST LISA'S DUMBSHIT CAT. {thoughts} .suicide. I JUST WISH IT WASN'T WRONG ACCORDING TO GOD. .homosexuality. PEOPLE ARE FREE TO DO WHAT THEY WANT. .sex before marriage. JUST BECAUE I'M RELIGIOUS, I SAY IT'S WRONG. BUT I'VE FALLEN VICTIM TO THAT SIN SO I HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK. .boredom. I WANNA DIE .love. THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD....AND THE WORST WHEN ITS LOST .life. SUCKS... ESPECIALLY WHEN SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLOSEST TO YOU JUST PICK UP AND LEAVE YOU. {this or that} .coke/pepsi. COKE .vanilla coke/vanilla pepsi. NEITHER .chocolate/vanilla. CHOCOLATE .black/white. BLACK .light/dark. DARK .sun/moon. MOON .rain/snow. BOTH .sunshine/rain. BOTH .summer/winter. BOTH .spring/autumn. AUTUMN .sunrise/sunset. SUNSET, WHO THE HELL IS EVER UP EARLY ENOUGH TO SEE A SUNRISE? LOL .car/suv. SUV .cellphone/pager. PHONE .radio/tv. RADIO .vhs/dvd. DVD .cd/tape. CD .morning/night. NIGHT .ocean/pool. POOL .skiing/snowboarding. SNOWBOARDING .oranges/apples. ORANGES .strawberries/bananas. BOTH .penguins/polar bears. PENGUINS...I'M A PENGUIN! LOL .pizza hut/dominos. PIZZA HUT {have you ever...} .stole/shop-lifted. NOT REALLY. .speed. NOPE WELL HAVENT BEEN CAUGHT LOL .smoked. NO .drank. UMM YEAH -.gotten drunk. A FEW TIMES -.gotten drunk and passed out. DONT THINK SO. -.gotten drunk and couldn't remember anything. NOT REALLY .done drugs. NOPE NOPE NOPE -.weed. NO -.marijuana. NO -.shrooms NO -.lsd. NO -.ecstasy. NO -.crack. NO -.coccaine. NO -.heorin. NO -.inhalants. NO .skinny dipped. YEPPERS .had sex. ... ;) .snuck out of the house. YEAH .ran away from home. WANTED TO .tried to commit suicide. HALF ASSEDLY. DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD RIGHT NOW. {end} .what time is it. 7:22 PM .are you glad this is over. YEAH NOW IM BORED STILL...LOL Current Mood: distressed 2 butterflies blow me a kiss
Saturday, January 10th, 2004
5:18 pm	A body without a soul... That's how I feel sometimes. Like with my family, my soul flew from my life, without the least bit of instructions for what to do with myself. I don't know. I'm suppose to find "...someone smarter and richer..." according to my father. Noel's not good enough anymore. And I know that doesn't matter, but then it had me thinking and I hate when I do that. Things are alright between us still tho. I just got done cleaning the house. No one else will do it. Whoever thought I'd clean without being asked? I have the whole weekend off work. I'm hungry. There's no food in the house and I have no money! Ahhhh. Maybe I'll go take back some bottles. Have a good night ya'll. -Tan Current Mood: lonely 1 butterfly blow me a kiss